


Chronological

by sauntering_down



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Klaus is the oldest now and he's going to milk it for all it's worth, i honestly don't know guys, no time travel apocalypse averted woop woop, this wasn't what i was trying to write, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 17:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18211262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sauntering_down/pseuds/sauntering_down
Summary: “Oh, well, you know what,Number One–” Klaus stops.  All of a sudden, something brilliant and beautiful strikes him, something so fantastic and clever he starts laughing uncontrollably, finally getting everyone’s undivided attention.  “Holy shit!You know what?!I’m older than all of you bitches!”





	Chronological

**Author's Note:**

> me: trying to write A Serious Fic  
> my brain: hey you know what would be better?? nonsense
> 
> yeeeeah, uh... i thought of this in the shower and dashed it off in about two hours (look, that's fast for me) and i'm not even going to bother editing it. maybe somebody will find it funny?

“But _guuuuuuuys_ ,” Klaus whines, “come _ooon_!  It’d be a treasured family memory!”

“Yeah,” Diego says, “for all the wrong reasons.”

One look around the room confirms Klaus’s genius idea is getting a lukewarm reception.  Allison has her hands clasped in front of her mouth, intently studying her remaining pieces; Luther’s queen and knight have her king backed into a corner and it’s not looking good.  Diego’s sharpening his knives.  Vanya actually looked up from her novel when Klaus started talking, but she’s since lost interest, and Five never took his eyes off his drink.  “Come on,” Klaus says again, “think about it.  Our shitbag father deprived us of all sorts of essential childhood experiences.  Haven’t _any_ of you ever wanted to go on a rollercoaster?  That’s my entire motivation here; that shit looks _awesome_!”

Crickets.

“Seriously, Luther, you’re always complaining about how we never do anything as a _family_.  This is our chance!  The gang’s all here!”

Diego raises his hand.  “I’m only here because it’s cheaper than the laundromat.”

“ _I’m_ only here for the weekend,” Allison says, moving a pawn.  “I have a shoot Tuesday and a counseling session on Wednesday, so I’m not sticking around.”

“Fine,” Klaus says, “Allison has an excuse.  The rest of you are just _lame_.  _Ben_ thinks it’d be fun.”

That gets a reaction – Allison and Luther exchange slightly guilty looks, Diego pauses for a second before running his knife along the whetstone again.  But nobody leaps to their feet and expresses a desire to fulfill Ben’s every wish, and then Ben himself says, “I believe my exact words were ‘Oh, that’ll be fun.  Luther won’t fit on any rides, Diego’ll get in trouble for cheating at carnival games, Five and Allison used to puke after a few minutes in a _car_ , Allison’s going to be mobbed by people wanting autographs, and nobody will save me a seat, so I’ll have to ride in your lap all the time’.  Did the sarcasm go over your head, or…?”

“You’re not _helping_ ,” Klaus mutters through his teeth.

“Look, Klaus,” Luther says in that enraging ‘patient leader’ voice of his, “maybe we’ll try to go somewhere in the fall, when Allison’s schedule is a little less hectic and Vanya’s orchestra has a break.  But we’re not doing it now.  Sorry.  If it means that much to you, you could always see if any of the buses stop near the park and you and Ben could go….”

As if he didn’t consider that.  Half the fun of going to an amusement park would be sitting back and watching his lunatic family get into shenanigans.  Ben, evidently, hasn’t realized that either.  “Hey, I still haven’t heard specific refusals from either of them,” Klaus says, indicating Vanya (still reading) and Five (still drinking).  “You don’t speak for the entire family.”

“I do sometimes,” Luther replies.  “I _am_ still Number One.”

“Oh, well, you know what, _Number One_ –” Klaus stops.  All of a sudden, something brilliant and beautiful strikes him, something so fantastic and clever he starts laughing uncontrollably, finally getting everyone’s undivided attention.  “Holy shit!  _You know what_?!  I’m older than all of you bitches!”

“What?” Luther and Allison say in unison. 

Klaus flings his hands up, twirls in a circle, almost overflowing with glee.  “Remember that night Five’s work buddies kidnapped me?  Remember how I escaped with their briefcase and spent ten months in Vietnam in one night?  I’m older than you guys now!  Head of the family, woo-hoo!”

Sheathing his knife, Diego gets up and walks over to the bar.  “Can I have some of that?” he asks, nodding at whatever Five’s been concocting.  Five pushes the blender towards him.

“Klaus,” Allison begins, “I don’t really think that’s rele-”

“Oh, I’ll tell you what’s relevant!  You guys are…” Klaus has to pause here, counts on his fingers, “twenty-nine years and nine months old.  _I_ , however, am…” more finger-counting, “thirty years and seven months old!  …I think.  The point is, _I’m chronologically the oldest now_.”

Behind him, Five clears his throat.  Klaus spins around, grinning, and says, “Oh, what's that?  You're fifty-eight?  Well, like it or not, physical age counts - that makes you the baby of the family.  I'm just _saying_ ," he sings in the face of danger, "one of us came back ten months older and the other came back thirteen.  You think that over for a while, _little brother_.  It’s time for Klaus to be in charge.  And as for you –” he turns to face Luther, “what do you have to say about that?”

Nothing, it seems.  Luther just looks at him.  Klaus’s smirk widens.  Then, holding up a finger, Luther scoots back his chair, gets up, and leaves the room.  Allison takes this opportunity to shift his queen over a square.  “No, no, the other way –” Vanya points, Allison moves the queen again, and Vanya gives her a thumbs up.

A few seconds tick by.  Heavy footsteps on the stairs foretell Luther’s arrival, and he comes back into the room, holding four leather-bound books, which he drops on the coffee table in front of Klaus.  “What are these?” Klaus asks, opening one, hoping for juicy secrets and seeing only numbers.

“The household accounts.” Luther sits back down and eyes the board for a moment, but doesn’t seem to notice anything unusual, because he moves a pawn almost immediately.  “I’ve been keeping up with them since Dad died, but I’m not that good at it.  If you want to be the head of the family, I guess they’re your responsibility now.”

“Oh, no no no no no,” Klaus laughs nervously.  This is going horribly wrong.  “I’m really not the guy you want handling the finances….”

“Don’t look at me,” Allison says.  “I have my own finances to handle.”

“Me too.” Vanya turns a page and sighs.  “My landlord’s raising my rent _again_.”

Klaus takes one more look at the columns of numbers, coating every page in Reginald’s spindly handwriting, and shuts the notebook.  “Diego,” he says, “my favorite brother –”

“I also have my own finances,” Diego interrupts before knocking back the rest of his drink.  “But I _do_ have some reservations about letting you pay the bills when you had to count on your fingers to figure out how old we all are.”

Klaus leaps onto that statement like a lifeboat.  “Right!  Diego knows what he’s talking about.  It would be foolish – nay, even _irresponsible_ – to put me in charge of the accounting, Luther.  You don’t want to be the reason our family comes to ruin, do you?  These books – ” he gives them a pat, “are better off in the hands of someone who’s good with numbers….”

He glances over his shoulder at Five, then realizes he’s made a grave error.  Five gives him an innocent smile.  It’s the most terrifying thing he’s ever seen, and he fought in Vietnam.  “You said it yourself, Klaus,” Five says sweetly, “I’m thirteen.  What would the IRS think if a thirteen-year-old tried to file taxes? Good luck.”  He hops off the barstool and blinks out of sight.

“You little – sure, you’re thirteen when it’s _convenient_ for you!” Klaus howls up in the direction of Five’s bedroom.

“Wow, look at the time,” Diego says blandly.  “My laundry should be done by now.  I’d better get going.”

Allison actually does look at the time, then leaps to her feet.  “Crap – Vanya, if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late for our reservation.”  Vanya gets up and the two of them scurry towards the door, Allison pausing just long enough to add, “Oh, and checkmate.”

Luther stares at the chessboard.  “Wait, that’s… hold on a second.  How the hell – Allison!”  Then he’s up and moving too, following his sisters into the foyer.  “Did you move my pieces?!”

“Well,” Ben says, once the room is vacant aside from him and Klaus, “you played yourself.”

“Shut up, Ben.”  Klaus seizes the blender and chugs the rest of the slushy, bright yellow liquid inside.  It tastes like citrus and vodka.  “Fine, I’m grounding all of them.  Oldest-child privilege.  Nobody but us gets to go anywhere fun.  Where’d I leave the bus schedule?”

**Author's Note:**

> ...i'll go work on the Serious Fic now.


End file.
